27 THINGS I GUESS I KNOW // No 26: SOMETHING’S OUT TO GET ME (OR, “SOMEONE UP THERE THINKS THEY’RE FUNNY”)

You may opt out of reading this post if you promise to listen to Alanis Morissette’s  Ironic.

If you’re still reading, congratulations, you’re too lazy to perform a simple youtube search. You’re my kinda person.

Today is the perfect day for me to write this stupid life lesson down. You ever just have those days where it’s so clear that the entire world is out to get you? Today was that day.

5am: The person out to get me is ME. Why do I wake up so early when I know I don’t need to be up for another two hours? It’s almost like I don’t want good things for myself.

5.10am: The sun is out to get me. For a country that hardly ever sees the sun, 5.10 am looked like the surface of the sun had found a new playground outside my window. There’s no snoozing here.

7.30am: My [super cute] kitten heels are out to get me. One heel gets stuck in a grate as I’m speed walking down a hill and it’s like I get catapulted  backwards. I take a moment to think “Huh. It’s 7.30am and that’s probably the most embarrassing thing that will happen to me all day… so this is a good thing?”

7.35am: The tube is out to get me. My tube breaks down and I watch helplessly as my estimated arrival time at my destination creeps further and further away from me.

8.40am: Commuters are out to get me. Finally on my way again, tube No. 2 and my tube-neighbour snows his dandruff all over me as he wriggles around. Gag reflex.

9am: The time gods are out to get me. I’m officially late.

9.10am: My [super irritating] kitten heels are out to get me. Cinderella-ing is a real thing, and I’m losing shoes and being catapulted backwards again in front of everyone at Kings Cross Station.

10.30am: My butter-fingers are out to get me. Close shave as I ALMOST spill my water glass all over my desk. You might think this was a save, but the woman in the office across from mine looks at me like I’m the biggest imbecile she’s ever met.

11.30am: Numbers are out to get me. And my eye is out to get me because it’s twitching and I think I’m going blind. That’s dramatic, but I really was having an issue.

12.30pm: The rain is out to get me. Tease me with blue skies from my seat at my desk, then pour all over me on my lunch break. You suck, rain.

12.35pm: Sainsbury’s is out to get me because it’s disappeared and I spend my entire lunch break walking around in circles trying to find it.

3pm: Numbers and letters are out to get me. Also mouses, office chairs and everything about my work situation.

I can’t even bear to go on, but take my word for it, it just got worse and worse and worse. My point is, that some days the world is just against you and “inconvenience” is just your lot. On those days, the best thing to do it embrace the crappy and get yourself down to McDonalds for a solo mission of dismay. These are the days that you realise how good you’ve got it on every other day. Bad things happen to good people, no matter how good you’re trying to be. It helps to visualise your bed, and to tell yourself that no matter what else happens, that’s where you’ll be in a few short hours.

Unless it’s really bad and you end up on a morgue slab or something. See! Things aren’t so bad.

I should mention that as poop as my day was, I came home to a lovely bunch of flowers and the best friends in the world. Hashtag Blessed.

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