Happy new year! I brought the new year in by myself, for the first time in my life. And it was kind of awesome so don’t feel sorry for me okay? While you were dancing your feet into swollen bruises, head pounding with too-loud dance music that you’d never choose to listen to yourself, eating food that may or may not have been prepared by a finger-licker, counting down to a drunken mistake or a bad-breath kiss… I was lounging in very comfortable sweatpants, wrapped in a luxurious fur blanket, surrounded by chocolates, face mask on and nails painted.
I know, bah humbug and all of that. But see if I care.
It seems as good a time as any to reflect on 2012: a year of incredible change and considerable heartbreak for me. I think in all, my whole being has rotated 270 degrees. I began the year as a self proclaimed stress head. My final semester at BYU was tough as I had twice the number of credits that usual, thanks to some last minute online classes. Despite this I, official advocate and sponsor of the movement of procrastination, left the majority of my work as long as I could, and the entire month of March was a frenzy of late nights, diet coke and approximately 460 pages of research papers, written by yours truly It’s my greatest and least favourite accomplishment.
Despite thinking that my German classes could actually prevent me from making it to graduation, I won the battle and walked to the podium to collect my degree in April. In the stands were some of my favourite people: my mother, my aunt Juli, my Nana, brother Alastair and sister Lain, bestie Jordan, and soul mate Sarah with her beautiful babies, who I really wouldn’t mind keeping forever. Graduation was a surreal experience that I feel ashamed to say I don’t remember too well because of the immense work-hangover I was experiencing. The things that have stood out to me are the following: an incredible sense of gratitude to my parents for supporting me through this experience. An overwhelming sense of pride that I had worked hard to be where I was, both in the classroom and out, as I paid for some part of it. A moment when one of the speakers encouraged us to never be prideful as an educated class, and to always value the efforts of all around us.
Mum and I decided to take an impromptu trip to Las Vegas after graduation and it was excellent. It was great for me to show her a place that has been so fun for me and my friends to visit. We stayed in a fabulous resort, saw a great show and wandered around, taking it all in. My favourite thing about it continues to be the fountain show at the Bellagio. I could set up a deck chair and stay there, watching, for my entire life I think.
My summer, though frustrating thanks to some visa problems, was a time for me to reflect on my life and my relationships with others. I had fun: I hung out with great friends, dated a lot of great men, lost myself in painting and got some me-time.
I was forced to take a break and pause to re-evaluate my life. I think anyone who knows me knows that I hate to do this, and make choices that might be right, but not feel natural.
I finally made the decision- rather spur of the moment- that it was probably time to move on. Looking back, I see a lot of problems with my decision- I see how I rely on running away and starting new as a coping mechanism, and I see how I could have hurt a couple of people by dropping things and leaving. I still wonder if it really was the right thing to do- but I’ve never felt like it was the wrong thing to do. It was logical and it worked, and things are falling into place since leaving. I still feel like I left my heart behind somewhere, and ultimately I am so grateful that I can feel that way about a place and a group of people. To all my friends, I love you- thank you for being a huge part of my life and for teaching me so much about myself and others.
Being back in Europe has left me feeling a little like an alien, but I am realizing that being outside of your comfort zone is probably a good place to be. It’s exciting and I am learning a lot. I got an incredible internship working in public relations, and I am slowly feeling that it is somewhat of a niche for me. I am able to excel at things I do best- writing, organizing and creating. I was hired for a couple of projects after the internship ended, and I’m looking forward to finding my way in London this coming year.
2013 holds a lot of promise for me. I am terrified about it- about making that sort of freshmen-commitment to a a foreign place all by myself once more. But I couldn’t be more excited to think that I’ll be doing it in London. It’s time I revisit my Britishism once more, and what better place?
By way of resolutions, which I actually sat down and thought seriously about last night (amidst my solo luxury), I have copycatted (it’s a word, don’t bother looking it up, just trust me) my very good friend Kristin, who is an inspiration to me, in calling it O.S.T, or Operation S*** Together. 2013 is the year that I get real and g e t i t t o g e t h e r. I have a list but it’s private, so just feel confident that if ever our paths cross in 2013, my s*** will be together.
So happy new year to you and yours, I hope we aren’t strangers and I wish you every success you set our heart to!